June 25th, 2009 by Sarah Newton

Parenting the Fink Way

I love sharing with you things that happen in my home as I think it is a great illustration of how what I do works in a real environment. I also think it really shows the reaction and response.

So here we go…..

A few days ago my 12-year-old came home all excited, asking me if she could go to a 16th birthday party with her friend that finished at 11pm….

Initial reaction

Oh my, she is too young, I don’t even know this girl. The only time I spoke to her, her accent was horrible which must mean she is not very savoury. Bronte does not know how to cope in the real world, what of someone gave her drink, drugs, etc? What am I going to do? Say no, she is too young, Eddie won’t like this, what sort of role model is that for Freya?

My frantic though process (yes, I am human) was broken by, Mum please can I?

OK, panic again now, what do I do? She wants an answer. This is where the coach in me kicks in…

OK, get real, you need more time to think before you answer…stall

Bronte, I need a bit of time to think about this, let’s talk about it later.

Phew, I had fended her off for a while, so now I could think about what I wanted to say. So, what was really going on? Well, I was frightened that she could not cope with situations that came up so I need reassurance…I need to speak with her later.

Bronte, I want you to be happy, it is just that I am concerned that you are too young. This is the first party you have been to and I am not sure you could handle certain situations if they arise.

She then went through a list of situations that could arise and told me how she would deal with each and every one of them…now that had me snookered….yet I still did not feel right…..so I told her I would make a decision by Thursday.

Thursday morning and I still was not sure, so I told her I would test her later and as I sat at my computer it became clear. I asked myself one question.
If it was xxxxx (the sensible friend) asking her to go, what would I say?
I realised that I would have answered yes, so my problem was not with Bronte, it was the judgment I was making about the friend which, let’s face it, was not fair at all.

Response

So I sent her a simple text

You may go to the ball Cinderella……

So what can you learn from that? How do you gauge your response?

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