June 15th, 2009 by Sarah Newton

The teenage years have become linked intrinsically to bad behaviour and appalling attitude, and the stereotypical images we see on TV do not help. But are they really that bad?

Well, the answer is yes, they can be and no, not if you don’t allow it.

1. Enough is enough

First you have to make the decision that is enough is enough, and what you will and will not accept in the house. Many parents fear being strong as they think their teen will shout and be difficult; they just don’t want the conflict. If you want the behaviour and attitude to stop, then you have to step up and be prepared to do what you must. Make a list now of the things that you want to stop.

2. Set very clear boundaries

When you have figured out what you want to change then get very clear what your boundaries are around these things. Now these are not a list of rules, they are a list of the furthest limits that you are prepared to go to. A list of your absolute cut-off points, so to speak, a list of what is and is not acceptable to you – the bottom line. Some of these may be negotiable, e.g. curfew times and some may not be, e.g. sharing in the housework. Go back to the list and deicide which are negotiable and which are non-negotiable.

3. Have a conversation

Once you have got clear, have a conversation with your teenager if at all possible. Tell them that you are not happy with their behaviour/attitude of late and that you want to talk about this and set some guidelines up so everyone is happy. If they want to talk, great; if they will not, then let them know that you will be setting the boundaries with or without them, however you would like their input. In this conversation you will let them know the non-negotiable boundaries (try and get no more than five here), and you will be discussing the negotiable boundaries and the consequences of breaking them. (More on this next week).

4. Deal with the non-negotiable boundaries swift and quickly

Most parents fail in improving behaviour and attitude because they fail to step in quick enough when something happens that they are unhappy with. It is a bit like the frog situation – if you put a frog in a pan of boiling water it will jump out, however if you put it in a pan of cold water and heat it up gradually the frog will cook to death. By putting up with small things everyday you are doing what the frog is doing – tolerating something that could potentially be damaging. The place I see this most is in how parents allow their teenager to talk to them on an everyday bases. If we allow swearing, talking to us with no respect, etc., then our teenager will think that this is the acceptable. So when one of your non-negotiable boundaries is stepped over, here is what to do.

Let your teenager know what they are doing

Let them know it is unacceptable

Ask them to stop

Tell them what will happen if they continue

Listen to the audio to see how this works in practice.

5. Keep consistent

Once you are started with the four-step approach above you need to make sure that you are consistent. If you allow something one day and not the next, then whatever you do will have no impact. You need to apply this every time your child steps over a non-negotiable boundary.

6. Keep your emotions in check

Most households are run on emotions, both the parents and the teenagers; if you react to your teenager from emotion only, then it will be very difficult to deal with the hard and fast rules of the situation. When you are responded to a badly behaved teenager it is best to respond from a factual place, leaving the emotions as something that you deal with away from your teenager. Dealing with the facts allows you to stay calm and consistent, even in the most trying situations. For each challenge get a piece of paper and split it in half; on one side write facts and the other side feelings. The fact is simply a fact – you arrived home at 11 when we agreed 10, you swore at me, you shouted at me, etc. Then on the other side write the feelings and this is all the stuff that is going on inside of you, how you feel about the situation, the stories you are telling yourself about the situation, I feel out of control. I fell like a bad parent, I fell like something will happen to you. When you have the lists, they allow us to untangle all the emotions we have vested in a particular thing when we are dealing with them all together. It appears overwhelming and we do not know where to start. The feelings of a situation are far more challenging to deal with then the facts, so if we can list the facts and deal with these first then the feelings may begin to change. For example, “The fact that you swore at me is easier to deal with then the feeling that it makes me feel like I am a bad parent. If I tell you it is not OK for you to swear at me and walk away from you when you do it – that is an easy thing to do – you will then in turn stop swearing at me and then I will begin to feel like a better parent”.

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